taking healthy risks in relationships

When we begin dating, we often focus a lot on red flags. We experienced some pain in our past and stored it in our minds to watch out for it later on. In past experiences, if our partner felt too needy or we felt needy then we can find ourselves not labeling the relationship. If our date brags too much then our ears might perk up to someone that is more self-focused. It’s important to have red flags but this hypervigilance can lead us to be constrictive and avoidant.

In long term relationship, repeated minor mistakes can make it hard to open back up again again to the possibility of being hurt and disappointed again. Even when our partner is working to heal the wound, we can hold a confirmation bias insisting, “they are just going to do it again.”

Eli Finkel in his book, All or Nothing Marriage, states that there is a tradeoff between self protection and to enhance your relationship. He observes the paradox: In order to gain deep intimacy, can you become vulnerable to develop trust or do you need the safety of trust to become vulnerable? In relationships, it’s important to take a leap of faith in the risk of vulnerability in a way that doesn’t feel reckless. It’s important to stay true to your own authenticity.