listening in relationships

The way we listen in relationships shapes the conversation and the quality of how we feel in those moments. There is a delicate balance of receiving and reciprocating. That is, taking in information and giving attention and care. In any relationship, we are looking to see if the other has taken us in by their attentiveness. We want to feel them feeling us.

By actively showing that we are listening, we validate the other person’s vulnerability and experience. We are engaged in a healthy balance between thoughtful speaking and delicate listening. It’s more than “I’m hearing you,” but rather a deeper connection.

In partnership, there can be cues that inform us when our parter is listening. You can ask your partner:

• What are some signs that my attention is fading?

• How does my body and face look like when I’m attentively listening to you?

• Is there a time of day that I’m more engaged than others?

Another key to listening is to pay attention on what the person is saying rather than being right. Many confuse feelings with facts so we prepare ourselves for a rebuttal. Instead, try to listen to understand rather than being right. Try to create a judgement free zone in which you can take turns reflecting, validating and providing empathy for one another.